20 years

Today I have been married for 20 years.  I do not have a lot of photo's from our "wedding"  because we went to the courthouse one day and got married.  In this old photo (1994), we had been married for 14 months.  The boys are 3 and 3 months. This was my first trip to Hawaii to see his family.  You never think you'll reach the day when you look at old photos and say..."Wow, look how young we look!"  and "Boy we sure were skinny!". 




All the changes!  Now our family vacations are only with the girls because our boys are out on their own!  It is truly bittersweet.

What is love?  The one thing I've learned over 20 years is that love is a choice, not a feeling.  An even better description is a conversation from my favorite old movie, the original Yours, Mine and Ours  with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda (1968).  One of the teenage daughters was upset that her boyfriend Larry kept pressuring her to "go farther".  She is asking her father for advice.  This is what Frank Beardsley says to her as he is helping his pregnant wife get to the hospital to give birth:

~I've got a message for Larry, you tell him this is what it's all about, this is the real happening.  You want to know what love really is?  Take a look around you, take a good look at your mother, it's giving life that counts.  Until your ready for it all the rest of life is just a big fraud.  All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning.
Life isn't the loving, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and ground round instead of roast beef and I'll tell you something else, it isn't going to bed with a man that proves your in love with him, it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful, everyday world with him that counts.~

Well I couldn't agree with Mr. Beardsley more!

3 bits for my younger self

I'm up early today drinking my homemade iced coffee and reading my blog list.  I've recently discovered Gussy Sews, actually I'm sure I've met her at The Creative Connection Event?  I'm sure... I know I've seen her cute products somewhere!  Anyway I'm linking up with her coffee date today...

The question is what 3 things would you tell your younger self?  I'll try to narrow it down to 3!

First is: Be yourself.  You really are beautiful, your just the way God wanted you, embrace who you are.  Forget what others think.

Second is:  And it ties in with the first... You can do whatever you set out to!  Don't be afraid!  Take a risk!  Even if you fail, at least you tried!

Third is:  Please don't settle for that abusive boyfriend... PLEASE dont' marry him!  Being single is OK!  You don't need a boyfriend!  It's ok to make mistakes, pick yourself up and MOVE ON.  Stop carrying guilt from bad choices around!  oops is that 4 rolled into 3?

Which leads me to the realization of what I've been telling my daughter!  I'm telling her to chose the "safe" route, she has grand dreams and I am always there trying to support them but then adding, it really isn't reality sweetie, do you really think you can do that?  Oh shame on me!
I'm going to give her wings and let her fly!

So go join Gussy for coffee.

Ransom

Deuteronomy 6:6-9  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Most nights of the week I read the Bible to my girls and then we discuss what we have read.  Some nights, Lauren is at work or out with friends, so it will just be Portia and Sophie and me.  Those nights we go into Portia's room or Sophie's and read on their bed. 

I truly love those nights, I think Portia opens up a bit more and Sophie sits there and follows along with her finger as if she is really reading too.  They are like little sponges.

Each night we read one chapter or sometimes if it's something they are really getting into I'll read two.  I absolutely love Hebrews and I really love chapter 9, I think it's paints a beautiful picture of the blood of Christ and what that means for us as Christians.

When we got to verses 14 and 15, there is the word ransom.  I stopped and asked the girls do you know what ransom means?  Portia shook her head no.  So I said well this is a sad illustration but, if a little girl got kidnapped, the bad guy would call the parents and demand, oh maybe $500,000 and then when the parents pay the money,  he would set the little girl free.   I said that money is called a ransom.  I could see Portia did not like that illustration, but she said... well, like if I was kidnapped would you pay $500,000 to get me back?

Oh be still my heart, just typing that brings tears to my eyes... I said, with tears in my eyes, YES, I would give all I own , I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE to get you back, I would die for you Portia!  I would die to set you free!

And in that moment, it was a realization that even my 10 year old got and it sunk in just a bit deeper for me as well, that is what Jesus did for us!!  I said Portia how much more is God's love perfect, than my human love for my daughter.  Jesus loves us so much he gave his life for us to set us free from sin! 

And SHE GOT IT.  I saw the click in her eyes.  I looked at Sophie who was on the verge of tears cuz mommy was crying and she just looked at me wide eyed with her Bible in her lap.  I'll never forget  last night. 
We went on to talk about sin and how some people don't think they are really sinful and they are good people and they just don't need a Savior.  How they think, well I've never murdered anyone and never robbed a bank and I help people so I'm ok.  Portia said, but how can they think they don't have any sin?

It's such an easy trap to fall into, well I really am not that bad and I'm better than so and so.  But the Bible says... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God~Romans 3:23.

Last night my daughter realized "the good news", that Christs blood is available to all who choose to receive it as payment for their sins.

This is such good news that we should not keep it to ourselves!!

Isaiah 55:11  so is my word that goes out from my mouth:  It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

I miss home

June 16 will mark one year ago that we drove out of our farm in Oregon.  It was so exciting but also bittersweet.  I love a new adventure but I also like same ole boring.  I am truly grateful for all God has done with this move.  My husband has a wonderful job, my son's have both found work with company's that offer a lifelong career.  My family is here.  We have found a nice little church......
So why do I miss home so much?  It was very hard to leave Oregon, but I was under the impression that since it was a God thing, I would love Minnesota.
But still yet, I know God does not promise us happiness, but he does take care of us, and that he has done.  This verse keeps popping into my mind:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:12-13

I think I am supposed to be learning this, to be content and rely on God's strength.  I am so grateful that we had those years in Oregon, met the people we did and had the experiences we had.  On to the next adventure!  (whatever it is)

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers

Happy New Year!

I love this question.

The first time I heard it was a few years ago.  And for me it always comes back to creating and selling.  Putting myself out there even if nothing comes of it.

I have been pleasantly surprised.  While raging success is not at my doorstep, I know that women like Lollibag's and that feels great!

I don't know how it got to be 2012 but it is.  There are some things I feel I will never accomplish, like loving my husband the way the Bible says to.  As in I Corinthians 13.  But the good news there is, God is quick to forgive me and help me start new every day, even every hour.  Maybe more like every minute.

I want to hear from all of you the answer to that question.  No matter how crazy it sounds...What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

The Move~part 4

Where were we?  Here is part 1 and part 2 and part 3.............
I left you with this post and said more on that later.  So in September of 2010, I was asking myself, Lord, is that you?  Oh how I wish God would audibly answer those questions, but he does not.  So I was forced to just trust and "go with it".  I should say we, because hubby was in this too. 

When we moved to Oregon from Minnesota I could not have been happier, I had always wanted to go on a big adventure like that and move out of state.  Well it was truly an adventure, I had severe culture shock arriving in Eugene.  But we really grew to love this place, so much so that I began declaring over the years that I would NEVER leave Oregon, not for ANY reason whatsoever, not even if something terrible happened to my husband and I was left out here all alone......NEVER EVER would I leave such a beautiful place!  I am a little over an hour from the coast and the dunes, two things which are my world favorite's!  The mountains here, which they call hills, are just a wonder to see everyday.
Not to mention, we left behind us: freezing winters, misquitos, gnats, tornadoes, humidity, boring flatlands, Minnesota accents.  Well I don't realize I still have that last one, but everyone still says to me, you must be from the midwest....
So imagine my suprise and shock and horror when in late 2008 or maybe 2009, I began hearing things.  I began to have this super tiny, quiet, still small voice in my mind saying.  minnesota   I would just brush it off and not think twice, cuz honey this girl ain't EVER going back there!  Oregon is it.  And a month or so would go by and I would think.............what would it be like to go back to minnesota  I just could not figure out what was wrong with me, thinking these things.  Because I would literally feel devastated even thinking about having to go back there.  That is how much we both love this place. 
Hubby and I would say to each other,  do you think we will ever go back to Minnesota?  And we were both so adamant that, NO, NOT EVER, NEVER will that happen!!!!  We PROMISED each other we would always stay in Oregon.

***disclaimer**** to my family... Of course I missed you all terribly, my heart would ache that I could not go shopping or to lunch with my sister and that my kids could not go to grandpa's house for a visit, and not to forget my best friend, I missed her so very much. 

So I never said a word to hubby about these whispers because I knew they were just passing thoughts and nothing more.    I wonder if God will ever send us back to minnesota someday?  Nope, I knew that answer right away.  Even in September of 2010 after I got back from The Creative Connection Event in Minneapolis, I said to hubby, ugh, yuck, I do not want to go back.  This was after hubby and I had "THE CONVERSATION" that opened the floodgates and we both knew the second the words were said, that we had crossed a line.........more on that in part 5.  I was in such    minnesota   denial.
All during 2009 and 2010  the events of my other posts, begin to happen and I am not linking anything together in my mind at that point, because I am not giving those tiny thoughts any time of day, because it's not what I want. 
But a real turning point for me, was the Lord, is that you? post.  It altered the way I think, to say the least and slowly everything started to make sense.....only STARTED to.  I do not understand God or his ways.

There has to be a part 5 because, hubby and I, well we thought this was all going to go rather smoothly and easily.  I mean don't things go smoothly when your in God's will?  Or you THINK your in God's will .....right??  Were the whispers of    hawaii   the ones I was supposed to be listening too?

The Move~part 3

If you missed it, here's The Move part 1 and The Move part 2...........Ok so part 2 wasn't really about "the story", but I called it part 2 anyway.

Well the closing has already moved from May 31 to June 1.  Not bad, only one day, but I don't like that.  I don't like it one bit.  This is such a huge ordeal for us that I want each and every detail to stay neat and tidy in the appropriate boxed section it was meant to be in!!

PLEASE no more changes, PLEASE!  But, alas, I know there will be more changes to come, little bits of testing.  Shall I call them "opportunities to grow"?  Or how about "character building"?  Or should I just stick with my "lessons"?
And why do lessons have to be so darn painful?  I am getting off track, lets continue..........

Almost a year ago, I wrote this.  Now some of that angst, I knew, I knew, I knew was God.  So that gave me a sense of peace.  I don't know how I knew it, but I did, in the pit of my being, I knew my changing relationships were God doing something, something BIG.

So on the one hand I was crying weeping over changing friendships and leaving my church,  but on the other hand in my spirit I was excited, thinking ok, God would not be doing this, unless big changes were coming!

OH     little did I know.

So not even a month after I wrote the above linked post, I wrote this.  More on that, in The Move part 4.

The Move~ part 1

I have waited so long to be able to say these words, and those of you with a house for sale KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!!!  I have several blogger friends that are selling, have just sold or have moved into the new house and are still waiting to sell the old.  It is a gut wrenching, hand wringing, trust testing, emotional experience, no?

Well, here goes......we are closing on our farm on May 31, and I would really like to be able to tell this story in that time.  But it cannot be in one post, there are to many miracles to share.  And when I say miracles I'm not talking parting the Red Sea kind, it's the little occurences, that you almost have to do a double take to make sure you read/heard/thought right. 

Now, mind you, there are HUGE things occuring here, but it's the little things that are the biggest sometimes.  I am going to link up to old posts now and again, because God has seemingly woven this tale together over quite some time and I hope I don't lose you as I am trying to tell it.  It is all there in my mind, but sometimes I don't convey my thoughts exactly right.  I have to remember that you have no idea what has been happening.  I've wanted to shout it from my farmhouse rooftop, and at times whine and complain about all this waiting and trusting. OH wait I did whine and complain didn't I?

I have experienced Mt. Everest highs and Death Valley lows in the last few years, I say few because honestly I don't even remember when this all started, but the further into it I get, the more I realize, God started this process long before I had any notion of it at all!

Remember this post?  This is a precious gift from God.  It may be neither here nor there as to what is happening now, but I did always wonder why God sent us to Oregon.  I don't know if this is only part of the reason or the whole reason, but it meant the world to me to discover this.

And that is where I'll begin........

pending

I know so many questions, right?  I promise I'll have a LENGTHY story in the weeks to come.  Until we are closed I can only show you this happy picture!  The things God has done over the last 6 months are truly miracles.

waiting

Isaiah 30:18

 ¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Romans 8:23-25

Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Psalm 40:1

I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.


Are you waiting for something?  I am.  I think it is safe to say we are all waiting  for something.  I decided to see what God says about waiting.   I guess I am supposed to be doing it patiently.  I would also assume that means, no complaining or being negative while I wait.  So I'm thinking I will have to keep learning this waiting lesson.

Help me to wait on you Lord, and to trust you.

Fruits of the Spirit

Galations 5:22-24
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  Against such things there is no law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature it's passions and desire.

Well, I do belong to Christ Jesus, yet I really have a hard time displaying the fruit of the spirit!  Why is this so hard?  So as I'm starting to think of my resolutions for next year, (did I even accomplish those for this year?)  I am thinking, this verse takes care of it all.

Exercise and eat right??  Self Control
Forgive someone??  Love
Be a better mom??  Patience, Gentleness
Better wife??  Kindness
Trusting God??  Peace, Faithfulness
Pray and read the Bible more?? Self Control

I guess that covers it.
Doing,  is so much harder than saying.....so please, bear with me.

Trust?



The other night my 8 year old brought a book to me, she wanted me to read it for devotions.

It was a story about Elijah and the prophets of baal.  Taken from 1 Kings 17-18.

As I read the story, I realized I needed to read it.  The story of Elijah is amazing!

Then I remembered, hey!  Wasn't Elijah taken to heaven without dying?  YES! 

So I looked up that verse...

2 Kings 2:11

As they (elijah and elisha) were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.

Isn't that amazing??  Then I remembered I had a book about Elijah by Charles Swindoll.

I am reading it right now.  At one point God tells Elijah to go to Cherith and live by a brook and he will send ravens to bring him food.

How is that for having to trust in God?

Can you imagine God telling you to go somewhere and live by a brook and trust that birds will bring you food??  I would grow impatient, I'm sure...

Like I am now, with our home for sale.... not knowing, when it will sell, where we will live..looking at the economy, thinking HOW??  The thing is, I cannot do anything about it,  BUT trust in God!

I do not like not knowing, I like having a plan, being prepared, in control.

I am none of these things at the moment and for who knows how long?

And I suppose that is THE POINT!

Trust.

Lord? Is that you?

Do you ever do that?

Question everything?

Do you ask God....are you speaking to me? 

Cuz if you are....

I'm gonna need you to be more PRECISE.

As in.... just come right out and audibly tell me what to do!!

Not to long ago, I had been praying about something and I said to God...

 ok..

if you want me to do this today, then make my husband call in the next 5 min.

Now, usually I don't do these kinds of things.  I know not to test God.

I know he is not our wish grantor.

But it was not a wish, it was sincerely, a want, to do his will in that very moment.

Hubby never called.

Have you ever said....

NEVER

no, no I would never do that,

I could NEVER imagine it.

That is not my DESIRE, it just could NEVER be.

Now that is something else I have learned not to say, the word NEVER.

Cuz when I do, I always end up doing it.

But for this one thing, I have said never, many times.  It's not a bad thing I'm not doing.

It's just not on my radar.  It could be God's will for me to do that or God's will for me not to.

It is very neutral.

I had a moment of clarity in the shower.  I tend to do deep thinking in the shower.

For, lately, I have been  DESIRING,

to do

the

~gasp~   NEVER!

Could it be, gals...

That Psalm 20:4:

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

Could it be that this does not mean God gives us OUR hearts desire, but that God makes our hearts DESIRE to be HIS WILL.

Okay....read it again, the above, ya!

 Maybe your ship has sailed from this moment of clarity

 and I'm in this deep blue ocean all by myself.

But that's ok, don't throw me a line....

I do think I shall stay here a while,

 treading this deep water,

 with Jesus.

I'm going to say... Ok Lord, is this you?

Is this you, making my heart desire something it has never desired before?

For the pure,

 simple

 reason,

 that it is your will?

This thing I said I would never do, because I do not want to, because

 I am happy

and

comfortable.

Because that would take change.

I would really have to get out of my comfort zone.

Now don't get me wrong, this comfort zone I am in is not bad. 

It just happens to be where I am, where God himself put me.

But I see, as has happened before,

God loves to toss our world

upside down.

As I am writing....

my comfort zone is not a bad thing....

HA HA!  I think I may audibly hear God laughing!

Do you need some good news?

Well your in luck!

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me to preach GOOD NEWS to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

 to proclaim FREEDOM for

the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to COMFORT all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion-

to bestow on them a CROWN OF BEAUTY

instead of ashes, the oil of GLADNESS instead of mourning,

and a garment of PRAISE instead of a

spirit of despair.

They will be called OAKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS,

a planting of the Lord for the

DISPLAY OF HIS SPLENDOR.

Sooo gals,

Deuteronomy 11:18-20

Fix these words of mine in your HEARTS and MINDS;

tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.

TEACH them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home

and when you walk along the road,

when you lie down and when you get up.

Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

In other words....hang on to these precious words of God

and surround yourself with them DAILY!

Mom

July 26, 1996 at 8:30pm, my mom died.

I suppose I won't forget that moment.  I was home, I had just been at the hospital for most of the day.

But I had to pick up the kids...Josh was 6, Nic was 3 and Lauren was 6 months.  My friend watched them for me.

At 8:30 pm my dad called and said "mom just died." 

So I rushed back to the hospital, up to her room and went in and looked at her, then I ran down the hall to the bathroom because I was going to throw up.

I never did.

And that marked the beginning of the last 14 years without mom.

I still wish I could have spoken with her about dying, I wish I could have said goodbye and that she could have imparted some words of wisdom to me.

But she had to much faith she would be healed and refused to think otherwise.

When I was little my mom sang the Doris Day song Que Sera Sera to me.

I do the same for my girls.  When I bathe Sophie, she never liked to lay back and get her hair rinsed, so I sing that song to her......

I look into her huge brown eyes and feel such love for her.

And I think this must have been the way my mom looked at me and the love I have for my daughter must be the same love my mom had for me.

When I was little I remember my mom in the kitchen fixing dinner and she would be cutting onions.

She would always sing these words....

Onion Onion OOOO La La!

Onion Onion OOOO La La!

( I wish you could hear the tune)

During my teen years, I don't remember alot of loving words pass between my mom and I.

But I was a handful.  Something my mom did has stuck with me all these years.

I was 18 and pregnant and unmarried, having grown up in a christian home.

I went to church one Sunday with my mom.

Instead of sitting in back with me, her wayward daughter, she brought me right up to the middle of the crowded sanctuary and sat with me in front of all the people.

I felt like she wasn't ashamed of me!

She acted as though I was a daughter to be proud of!

We never spoke of that day, I can't wait to tell her how much that meant to me, when we meet again.

 

The photo above, that is my first son, Josh, my mom's first grandbaby.  She was a wonderful grandma!

As I was looking through my photo's trying to find some of my mom, I was getting irritated.

I thought, why aren't there more recent ones?

I am not sure it has sunk in yet that my mom has died.

Is that possible?

 

But yet, I know how hard it has been for 14 years not being able to call her and ask her to pray for me or tell her about the 2 other daughters I've had since she died.

It has been more difficult that most of my kids don't remember grandma Nancy.

Josh does. And I suppose that was divine, because Josh was the one that needed a grammy most.

 

I just told my hubby last night, I was always thinking you knew my mom longer than you did!

Hubby only knew her for 3 years when she died.  And I said , It kills me that I hardly remember her, hardly remember her voice.

But looking at the picture above, the day she came to the hospital when my second child was born, I do remember her voice...

How excited her voice was to see Nic, and she ooo'd and aahhh'd over how big he was and just kept saying my name..

Oh Prudy, he is so precious!

Oh Prudy, Look at how big he is!

He is just darling!

And she giggled after she said each one.

Whenever I talk about when Nic was born, ladies you get me.... I have to brag that I was 21 and that kid wieghed 9 pounds 2 ounces and I did it natural,  ya, you heard me, no meds...

 

When I was just married to hubby and we had 2 kids, mom would come over and bring some kind of treat.

Like Enntaman's pastry or whatever and we would have that and tea or coffee.

What I wouldn't give to have a cup of coffee with mom right now!

While she was over she always reserved time for the boys.

She would go down in the basement where their toys were and get on the floor and just play with them.

She never said I wasn't allowed down there too, but I knew she wanted one on one time with them.

She did it to make them feel important and loved.

She did it because she wished she would have done that with me when I was little.

I can still hear her telling me...

Prudy, don't wish it away, don't wish their childhood away, it will be gone before you know it!

And by the end of this post, I have a pile of kleenex in front of me and I am trying to think of how to sum up my mom in a few words.  Or maybe one word.

Faith

That would be it, her name is Nancy Faith.

And that is all I know of her now, is her unwavering Faith in God.

And that is what she has taught me.

Did my grandma know that when she named her daughter Faith, that she would need it someday?

Whenever I hear the song   I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me

well you can imagine, I have to grab my tissues out of my purse as I'm driving.. I try and imagine what my mom did when she saw the King and it makes me long to go home.

And here are the words:

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk by your side

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When your face is before me

I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory

What will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of you be still

Will I stand in your presence

Or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah

Will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine when that day comes

And I find myself standing in the Son

I can only imagine when all I will do

Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine.

What did my mom do? 

I think my mom ran to Jesus sobbing and collapsed in his arms.

And she is finally whole and healed and happy.

And I could not wish her away from that.

When God answers a why?

A favorite picture of mine.  That's my little guy on the left, standing by grandpa's work van.

That was in 1992.

  When I had Josh at 18, I just had no idea what to do. 

But I remember always praying.... praying he would become a man of God.

And praying for God to protect him.

When I divorced his father and remarried and battled over visitation, the praying increased.

Anything you would not want your child around, he was around on a visitation weekend. 

Josh would scream and cry not to have to go.

All I would do is cry and pray, cry and pray, pleading with the Lord to protect him.

To keep him safe.

 To not become like his father.

Those were probably the most nightmarish years of my life.

Then in 2002, we felt like God wanted us to move, for my hubby to accept a job with a new company.

I was so excited, I would think why is God having us move?  How will we serve Him in Oregon?

Are we going to be wildly successful?  Why does God move you out of state?

Turns out, we love it out here.  There are draw backs but there is with anything. 

But all these years I've wondered, have I missed my opportunity to serve God out here?

What was it?  What is it?  Why did we move?

Now I suppose I can be dense, but a couple months ago I was driving, running my errands.

I was probably angry at a cashier.

And I had this thought...

Did God move us out here to protect Josh? 

And I tossed it around in my head for a while and thought sure that could be it.

But surely there is something more, some grand way I am going to serve God, that I've yet to discover.

And then I just let it go.

Well I don't know if you have teenagers, but Josh is 19 now.  He'll be 20 in September.

He rarely says anything deep to me.  He will talk about his motorcycle or his car or his day at work.

But not much else, certianly not God.

So one day I was taking Josh to a dr. appointment, and we were talking....

And just out of the blue he said,

Mom, I think we moved out here so I didn't get into trouble with my family.

(meaning his biological father and his cousins)

I do believe I started crying right then.

For it was a confirmation to me of what God had just told me!

pause....need a tissue

All those years of praying came rushing to my mind.

God heard me!

He answered me!

God protected my son!

How am I so blessed that he did that for me??

What if we had not listened and moved?

And the thought that God cares so much for my son to move our whole family out of state,

is overwhelming to me!

The fact that God loves me enough to answer my cries for my child....

I'm not sure I grasp the Love of God.

I don't think I understand how deep it is.

I tell you I am not over this, I keep saying

WOW, thank you Jesus!

I feel blessed that God chose to reveal the answer to this why.

I have so many other why's

why did my mom have to die?

why did you bless me with 5 children while others have none?

why won't you take my migraines away?

But the answer to one, is enough.

God tells me with that answer...

I love you

I have your best interest at heart

I am sovereign

I hold the future in My hands

Trust Me

True Love

Psalm 139

O Lord, You have searched me and You know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar, You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths,

You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your

hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

For You created my inmost being;  You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be!

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with You.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

With all the tragedy  going on in the world, take a moment and really read these words and know the love God has for you, that He cared about you before you were born.

That He knows all that has happened to you and all that will happen to you.

If you do not know of this love...

Accept Jesus as your Savior,

Believe that Jesus died for YOU on the cross and rose 3 days later

Confess your sins and repent.

Picking up my boot straps....

This is crazy!  I will not feel sorry for myself for one more minute!  I am not going to hesitate to be closer to God.  I don't care what trials come my way!

Yes I've just had a e-mail conversation with my best friend.  She always listens to me, always encourages me, always prays for me, always gives me Bible verses to cheer me up.  What would I do without her?

I know I will again be in the goop I was in yesterday, but all I can do is pray and trust that Jesus will see me through, no matter the outcome.

On Sunday I "ran away", I told hubby I just need some time to myself.  I took my Bible and sat in a parking lot and read Hebrews 11.  By Faith.  I love that chapter.  But where has my faith gone?  When my mom died I was still strong in my faith.  Or was I.  We all had faith that God would heal her.  But He didn't, He brought her home.  I will never forget, at the hospital the day she died I was sitting with her, she was going in and out of sleep or maybe consciousness.  At one point I wanted  to know if she was excited to see Jesus.  To me I think if I was dying, a part of me would be so giddy with excitement to see Jesus!  
 See that morning the dr.'s told us we will just make her comfortable now.  So we were preparing for her to die.
So I went up to her and sat on her hospital bed and held her hand and I said mom, are you ready to see Jesus?  She popped her eyes open and looked at me like, how could you say that? how could you lose faith for my healing?

I was so heartbroken I could not say goodbye to her, that she could not give me any last words of wisdom.  In her mind she still had the faith, she knew she would be healed.  I had to go home to my kids, and later that night at 8:30 pm she died.  I held firm in my faith, I never questioned God.  Till these past couple of years.

I used to rent a booth in a store and I sold vintage items.  One lady was at the counter checking out and we started talking.  She said she had been healed of cancer.  And she told the lady working with me that yes God heals, don't worry.  And I was thinking, how could you even say that?  At that point I thought, I've really lost my faith, haven't I?  I wanted to scream at her, well God didn't heal my mom of cancer, so don't go telling everyone that God always heals!  Cuz sometimes He doesn't!  But I didn't and I didn't want to take away from her experience, so I said nothing about my mom. 

But at that point, I knew I had to get right with God.  You know my family did everything it said to do in the Bible, praying with elders, being annointed, having faith.  But I have to just know that God has a big huge plan that did not include healing my mom.  I am still working on my faith, I suppose I will never ARRIVE, till I arrive to my heavenly home.  I'm quite ashamed for my attitude concerning this, because God has done miracles in my life.  But I think, on my knees is a better place to be than walking tall and proud.

Weary Mother

I am oh so weary.  Why is it some days I can handle anything and other days the new crumbs on the floor I just swept, send me into tears?  Today I discovered my 19 year old has made a decision that goes against the way we raised him.    Have you noticed that when there is a lull, it is never for long?
Lately when I pray, it is always in the back of my mind, be careful what you pray for!  Yes I know this should not enter my mind during prayer, because usually while I am thinking this it is during a "please help me be more like you Lord" prayer, or "show me your will".  "Help me forgive".  I no longer pray for patience.  I know that will mean my 2 year old will show me over and over how to be patient.

I wonder will my trials be less if I do not pray for these things?  But how can I not, I truly want those things.  Is my son's decision a trial to push me closer to the Lord?  Or is it because I treated my parents so badly during my teenage years?  Is this the "sins of the mother" revisiting me?  Or my Savior drawing me close.  I'm not sure , but it has all worn me out. 

I would like to take a mothering sabbatical.  Or maybe not.  I don't know what I need.  Maybe just a good cry.  I am on the verge now, but there are dishes to do and children to feed and I went on a baking frenzy today after learning of this decision by my child.  Why?  I bake to show my family I love them.

But oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and 2 loaves of zucchini bread are not helping.  Sophie refused to eat her dinner I so lovingly made in my new crockpot.  I just finally gave up after listening to her cry for 20 minutes.  My rule is no eating till the next meal if you don't eat your dinner.  But I am to weary to enforce it tonight.

Why do some children keep reading their Bibles and clinging to what they are taught and other don't?  I would really like to know.  These teenage years have really thrown me for a loop.  I never imagined it would be so hard.  My mom never told me raising kids would be so heartbreaking.

Love Lesson......

Oh will I ever learn???  I think at least my times of repentance come more quickly after I open my big mouth...  My hubby just took me to costco.  We were in line checking out, and I started chatting with the cashier... Her manager came up and told her something.  She started joking with me about the "manager".  I said ya and he's a "man". 

Here comes my man issues again.

She said you have to pretend like they come up with the ideas to make them feel good.  I said well why should I dumb myself down to make him feel better.  (yikes, did I really say that?)

So then my hubby walks up to us and she said oh shhhhh.  I said hey I thought you were my sister!  She comes around and hugs me, so sweet.  And starts chatting with hubby.

As she is chatting with hubby, she turns around and mouths to me "he really loves you".    I smiled and had tears in my eyes, trying not to let anyone see.  I'm already feeling the guilt, why can't I be positive and loving right from the start?

We started walking out and my hubby tells me, she lost her husband at 40 and she is spending valentines day alone.

She is spending valentines day alone.  I had to say that to myself a couple times.  She lost her husband.. and is spending valentines day alone... and she gave ME a hug!  Wow, I want to be more like that.

Prudence