I am oh so weary. Why is it some days I can handle anything and other days the new crumbs on the floor I just swept, send me into tears? Today I discovered my 19 year old has made a decision that goes against the way we raised him. Have you noticed that when there is a lull, it is never for long?
Lately when I pray, it is always in the back of my mind, be careful what you pray for! Yes I know this should not enter my mind during prayer, because usually while I am thinking this it is during a "please help me be more like you Lord" prayer, or "show me your will". "Help me forgive". I no longer pray for patience. I know that will mean my 2 year old will show me over and over how to be patient.
I wonder will my trials be less if I do not pray for these things? But how can I not, I truly want those things. Is my son's decision a trial to push me closer to the Lord? Or is it because I treated my parents so badly during my teenage years? Is this the "sins of the mother" revisiting me? Or my Savior drawing me close. I'm not sure , but it has all worn me out.
I would like to take a mothering sabbatical. Or maybe not. I don't know what I need. Maybe just a good cry. I am on the verge now, but there are dishes to do and children to feed and I went on a baking frenzy today after learning of this decision by my child. Why? I bake to show my family I love them.
But oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and 2 loaves of zucchini bread are not helping. Sophie refused to eat her dinner I so lovingly made in my new crockpot. I just finally gave up after listening to her cry for 20 minutes. My rule is no eating till the next meal if you don't eat your dinner. But I am to weary to enforce it tonight.
Why do some children keep reading their Bibles and clinging to what they are taught and other don't? I would really like to know. These teenage years have really thrown me for a loop. I never imagined it would be so hard. My mom never told me raising kids would be so heartbreaking.