Picking up my boot straps....

This is crazy!  I will not feel sorry for myself for one more minute!  I am not going to hesitate to be closer to God.  I don't care what trials come my way!

Yes I've just had a e-mail conversation with my best friend.  She always listens to me, always encourages me, always prays for me, always gives me Bible verses to cheer me up.  What would I do without her?

I know I will again be in the goop I was in yesterday, but all I can do is pray and trust that Jesus will see me through, no matter the outcome.

On Sunday I "ran away", I told hubby I just need some time to myself.  I took my Bible and sat in a parking lot and read Hebrews 11.  By Faith.  I love that chapter.  But where has my faith gone?  When my mom died I was still strong in my faith.  Or was I.  We all had faith that God would heal her.  But He didn't, He brought her home.  I will never forget, at the hospital the day she died I was sitting with her, she was going in and out of sleep or maybe consciousness.  At one point I wanted  to know if she was excited to see Jesus.  To me I think if I was dying, a part of me would be so giddy with excitement to see Jesus!  
 See that morning the dr.'s told us we will just make her comfortable now.  So we were preparing for her to die.
So I went up to her and sat on her hospital bed and held her hand and I said mom, are you ready to see Jesus?  She popped her eyes open and looked at me like, how could you say that? how could you lose faith for my healing?

I was so heartbroken I could not say goodbye to her, that she could not give me any last words of wisdom.  In her mind she still had the faith, she knew she would be healed.  I had to go home to my kids, and later that night at 8:30 pm she died.  I held firm in my faith, I never questioned God.  Till these past couple of years.

I used to rent a booth in a store and I sold vintage items.  One lady was at the counter checking out and we started talking.  She said she had been healed of cancer.  And she told the lady working with me that yes God heals, don't worry.  And I was thinking, how could you even say that?  At that point I thought, I've really lost my faith, haven't I?  I wanted to scream at her, well God didn't heal my mom of cancer, so don't go telling everyone that God always heals!  Cuz sometimes He doesn't!  But I didn't and I didn't want to take away from her experience, so I said nothing about my mom. 

But at that point, I knew I had to get right with God.  You know my family did everything it said to do in the Bible, praying with elders, being annointed, having faith.  But I have to just know that God has a big huge plan that did not include healing my mom.  I am still working on my faith, I suppose I will never ARRIVE, till I arrive to my heavenly home.  I'm quite ashamed for my attitude concerning this, because God has done miracles in my life.  But I think, on my knees is a better place to be than walking tall and proud.